Fall between the cracks

Siting by the waterfall I thought to myself “Why do they say I have a scattered or unpredictable behavior or that I am too harsh on people sometimes?”…..“Why is it so easy for someone to come and tell me that I am not good enough?”… “Why do people think that I just want to rebel and feel bad?”  “Why do they think I cannot let go of things and let go off people so easily”?
Then I realized they see what I wish for them to, hear what I want them to and observe what I need them to. So i cannot let their words affect me. I think before I act, maybe I over think and people feel it’s my need for validation but it’s just me telling myself that I am not impulsive.

Maybe I’m afraid … I’m afraid that I’m a bad person and that I am addicted to proving myself. I spent 25 years of my life trying to prove to myself that I was worthy. I saw every failure as a sign that I was worthless. Part of the evidence against my soul. It can be so because I was underestimated all my life, I have never been pushed enough but always pulled down. Everyone was there when I fell, some to laugh…Some to watch and some to say “I told you so”. I guess after rebelling all these years I have given up. It is true that I always had an element of self-doubt, I wasn’t confident enough that’s why whenever I won something I chose to accept it and move ahead. I always had faith and I trusted myself…But I see it fade away little by little.
Once in my life maybe I had someone who believe in me and they also left without a reason leaving me to think that maybe I am not even good enough for a reason.
I had tried so hard, pushed myself day and night to overcome that loss. I think I am falling now, I can feel the fall like a pull of gravity so fast and so strong. To heal a wound we need to stop touching it, I need to get up even if I fall hard…I need to do it for myself. This event had changed me in ways I did not expect.

The solution I see is eliminate people, all of them because if they leave then there will be no problems at all. It’s their judgment that is stopping me! I realized a very important thing today while my family sat in room and I observed, it is completely alright to love and respect your family…but letting them decide for you isn’t. They have taken a lot of my important decisions and now they have a need to do it time and time again. That’s my fault, I confused myself in between two emotions; strong ones.
I am stuck here, between nowhere and somewhere. I am lost on an island in the endless ocean.
But sooner I realize the better that the world; the nano and micro particles that make up physical reality, to the planets, and to our own physical bodies is in a constant motion. I now just need to breathe, let go of everything and forgive myself…forgive the situations and people. I just need to move forward with the truth in my head that past is past and I am glad something’s are over and we cannot save ourselves from heart breaks or depression but we can choose to move ahead and leave it behind. I need to let everything flow and live for me again.

 

 

 

 

(dedicated to boo- the one who doesn’t care how harsh the truth is, but needs to bring me to reality for my sake. The one who loves me even when given an option not to)

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25 thoughts on “Fall between the cracks

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  1. Yesss.. Yesss..,
    You do..
    and you can.

    Because you are in control of you and your emotions..
    you can choose whether to let go or hang on..
    Delete all of that hurt.. dependency…. negativity…
    and replace it with joy… independence.. confidence.. and positivity..
    The sun ☀️ is shining brightly.. smile.. and enjoy 😊 it..

    You are in charge of your happiness.. so choose to be happy 😊..
    and you will be..

    Leave it all in the past..
    and move beyond and forward to discover new horizons..
    Make new and better memories…

    You can do it.. I believe it.. and I believe in you…

    Liked by 5 people

  2. The wound can be touched in order for it to be healed…but the touch is more of an embrace…a holding…letting it be…as it is…hold it with compassion and with love….make this a practice….healing will follow…John Welwood, author, suggests four stages…accept, allow, open and enter. At 26 you are well ahead of the curve. Begin it now.

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  3. That last paragraph is key, Keira. Let go of all that crap of the past. You can’t change it, so your only choice, your ONLY choice, is whether to lug it around or set it free. Sometimes I think we need to walk through the fire and experience the pain in order to soften and mold our soul into something new. For me, the pain of my past has sculpted who I am today… a more compassionate and forgiving person because I know that life is really hard. Time to love yourself despite your humanness, to have compassion for your mistakes and pain, and to recognize that life is a journey with peaks and valleys, both our teachers. Be kind, and you will find kindness. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Keira,

    I will tell you a one great truth.You are the best in the hole universe.You are great. You are unique.You are unique combination of matter and energy,in the hole universe.You are the most beautiful in the hole universe.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m so sorry to hear that. really am sorry. 😞 I am glad that you knew what you had to do, “let go and forgive yourself…,” many people don’t even know. Instead they sit and wait for that perfect wind to come. Keep on moving! Your best days are ahead of you!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You will not go back. You have always passed through it, so there’s no need to go back now. You can glance at it, only to remind yourself where you have been. There’s nothing that can stop you, unless you let it stop you, then you will be stopped ✋🏾Remember, you are writing ✍🏾the script. You are the one who is painting your characters. At times, when I have the feeling of being in a shoe box. I always tell myself, “I’ve been through it before and I can come out”

        Liked by 1 person

  6. At 26, you are feeling a lot of pain, but you know what? You have a handle on it, too. You are not denying things, and you are facing things….All of us and this is not a secret! LOL! Have faced this pain and doubt.

    I did for 5 decades…my life was miserable because I was living it, seeing myself in the eyes of people who only had contempt for me. Mother, siblings, bosses, ex husband and his family, it never stopped. Until I stopped it. I walked away from all of them. They were just boulders in the road of my life. They served no good purpose except to make me feel lesser. But then I realized something….I was bigger than what I gave myself credit for. And I could write and these fuckers couldn’t! LOL! I wrote myself out of depression, suicide, feelings of being invisible, the contempt that they had for me and it was groundless. They had serious problems (narcissism, psychological issues, religious bullyism, narrowness and petty minds, etc) I applied No Contact to these folk and went on with my life. It’s only been 10 years really where I stopped hoping that they would change and acknowledge me as ‘worthy’….but I don’t care about this anymore. I have written and published 7 books and that has given me a place to stand when I thought the water rising and I would drown.

    You are young! You are vital!~ Embrace that and know that you will come through all of this and be fine. And productive and creative. I would recommend a book but most people ignore this: I’ll do it anyway. by Rollo May: “The Courage to Create”. It was a life changer for me.

    With unconditional love which is so denied today.

    Jane (Lady Nyo)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would surely read the book!!!

      Well I am on the path of filtering but it’s a little difficult and different than that I thought it would be. I would surely get pass it I am certain!

      Also thank for stopping by and acknowledging:) I hope you are happy and I am so glad you did what you did 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks, Keira. I wish I had a supportive community back then…..it would have been easier to filter things….but now?? You justhave to trust yourself and your creativity…and I see you have plenty of that! You go, girl!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You can get Rollo May’s 1975 book on Amazon.com for pennies almost. It was the most important book I ever read! That issue of creativity is deep down inside us, and it’s always there and can be pulled to the surface in the worse of times. For me, it changed my life.

        Liked by 1 person

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