Siting by the waterfall I thought to myself “Why do they say I have a scattered or unpredictable behavior or that I am too harsh on people sometimes?”…..“Why is it so easy for someone to come and tell me that I am not good enough?”… “Why do people think that I just want to rebel and feel bad?” “Why do they think I cannot let go of things and let go off people so easily”?
Then I realized they see what I wish for them to, hear what I want them to and observe what I need them to. So i cannot let their words affect me. I think before I act, maybe I over think and people feel it’s my need for validation but it’s just me telling myself that I am not impulsive.
Maybe I’m afraid … I’m afraid that I’m a bad person and that I am addicted to proving myself. I spent 25 years of my life trying to prove to myself that I was worthy. I saw every failure as a sign that I was worthless. Part of the evidence against my soul. It can be so because I was underestimated all my life, I have never been pushed enough but always pulled down. Everyone was there when I fell, some to laugh…Some to watch and some to say “I told you so”. I guess after rebelling all these years I have given up. It is true that I always had an element of self-doubt, I wasn’t confident enough that’s why whenever I won something I chose to accept it and move ahead. I always had faith and I trusted myself…But I see it fade away little by little.
Once in my life maybe I had someone who believe in me and they also left without a reason leaving me to think that maybe I am not even good enough for a reason.
I had tried so hard, pushed myself day and night to overcome that loss. I think I am falling now, I can feel the fall like a pull of gravity so fast and so strong. To heal a wound we need to stop touching it, I need to get up even if I fall hard…I need to do it for myself. This event had changed me in ways I did not expect.
The solution I see is eliminate people, all of them because if they leave then there will be no problems at all. It’s their judgment that is stopping me! I realized a very important thing today while my family sat in room and I observed, it is completely alright to love and respect your family…but letting them decide for you isn’t. They have taken a lot of my important decisions and now they have a need to do it time and time again. That’s my fault, I confused myself in between two emotions; strong ones.
I am stuck here, between nowhere and somewhere. I am lost on an island in the endless ocean.
But sooner I realize the better that the world; the nano and micro particles that make up physical reality, to the planets, and to our own physical bodies is in a constant motion. I now just need to breathe, let go of everything and forgive myself…forgive the situations and people. I just need to move forward with the truth in my head that past is past and I am glad something’s are over and we cannot save ourselves from heart breaks or depression but we can choose to move ahead and leave it behind. I need to let everything flow and live for me again.
(dedicated to boo- the one who doesn’t care how harsh the truth is, but needs to bring me to reality for my sake. The one who loves me even when given an option not to)