Siting with a cup of coffee and drinking away my pain. I don’t still know if the pain was rejection, abandonment or my fear of losing someone I love. I feel like a puddle of endless emotions. I wonder whether it was love at all ! I am at a standstill; I guess it was just another relationship I gave it too much attention. Maybe whatever I thought,had been a fragment of my imagination.Now that it’s all over things make sense,much more sense. I wish he came back, even if it were a shadow or a dream.
Everyone keeps telling me time will heal you, it will take away the bitterness but no one tells me what to do right now. Right now this moment, I can’t eat, sleep or drink…right now this moment.. I can hear him call me and feel his presence, right now all I want to do is sit by my window and cry. Yes, one day wounds will heal and I will be better but what about now? Each day it is getting harder to breathe, so hard to feel alive…the pain is sinking into me like slow poison.The abandonment is gushing through my veins and making my body numb. It makes my sick every time I even think about what happened. I am still stuck in “what if”, “maybe” and “I wish”, It is a bad place to be. The thing is I tell myself each day that it has gone but I just have accept to recover this loss, I am stuck between somewhere and nowhere. I feel an emptiness in my soul, like a big hollow space inside me. I find myself searching the crowds for “the one”; I know it’s an impossibility now, but I cannot help myself. I have realized that I have buried inside of me all the feelings and my heart has become an organ of ache. The pain will not eventually drain away , it would not magically disappear one day, it will when I stop officially mourning.
I am going to start accepting that what place you hold in their lives doesn’t depend on what place they hold in yours. What they say or do is a projection of their reality , their own dreams and their perceptions. We need to become immune to their thoughts. One wise person I know believes “We all come in this world with certain roles, do yours!” , I believe she is right.
I believe, instead of mourning over someone who doesn’t even care of my existence now … I should spend all that time on myself. Each day, learn new.. think new.. and be new.It is going to be very difficult but in the longer run, only we are for ourselves. As for the right person, he will come when he has to and take me as who I am. I don’t know how much of love I have in me left to offer, I know this that I will not fear it. I believe that I was born to love and no matter what I still will.