I sat by the window with a cup of coffee as I watched the raindrops touch the ground making a pleasant sound, just then I felt tear drop roll down my cheek.
We live in a world full of pain. Where love is blind and words are left in vain. Where trust is lost and never to be gained. I’m not sure what scared me the most was it that he never started loving me, or that I will never stop loving him. I tried everyday from past few years to tell him how I feel, everyday he would listen and walk over it. Everyday I gave him my feelings and everyday he gave me tears. I feel so much inside, but I can’t express it. I am torn between grieving and hoping. I feel like I am in an ocean.. sometimes the water is calm, sometimes flowing and sometimes overwhelming.
I think he never understood, I wasn’t asking him to accept me in his life as a lover. I just wanted him to accept what I feel for him and know that this is how I feel and being “just friends” is not my cup of tea. I thought I will wait it through, wait until he feels for me.. we have been friends for so long now… maybe it will change. It’s my life, my dream,my happily ever after,and I can clearly see it is not with him. I just don’t want to give up but I see him, I see him walk away…. see him walk away and not even look back once. I thought I knew what real pain felt like until the day I saw him look at her ,just the way I look at him. My biggest mistake was not falling for him but hoping that eventually with time he might fall in love with me too.
Its getter harder with each day, I am dissolving in the pain and do not know where I am going anymore. I am fall so hard, that I am hoping I hit the ground soon ..So I can pick myself. I need to ask myself “What can I live with?”Can I live with whatever he’s doing or isn’t doing; whatever I want him to do that he can’t do. I am not going to change him. As much as I want him to change, to do something different, the reality is that I cannot change him and no amount of loving him is going to change him. So this ultimately comes down to me. Should I be here..in this dingy dark corner for the rest of my life ? or should I pack everything and no matter how hard it is, start taking baby steps?
Sometimes we deserve a fresh start. It’s not always about fixing the broken, sometimes it is about creating new. At some point we have to make a decision, life is messy and that it how it is. You can waste your life waiting for things to happpen and drawing boundaries or you can live your life crossing the danger zones. Sometimes no matter how much you love a persom, they can never love you the same way.. not because you dont deserve to be loved but just because some people are incapable of the same love as you; It takes a lot of to love. So believe in love and never stop loving.
Dedicated to someone who inspired me, to write about love differently.