I felt confused until this day, confident yet confused. I know all is over, nothing that I can really do since it works two ways… But more than closure, I just to want to now know whether it was love at all?
When he left me without a closure, apart from missing him with every breath, apart from the collapse of the whole little world I had created, and that everything I saw or did reminded me of him whether it was eating food or sleeping alone, simple little things that pulled me down, the worst is the thought that he tried me out and, in the end, left me just because. I was shattered being left by the only one I ever loved. Maybe it all for going without a closure but that’s how I feel.
Whether all the memories I saved were worth the place in my mind? Whether his touch healed me or it was all in my head? If his voice really made me smile or was it a story I told myself to be happy? If the kiss meant something or was it my childishness to have taken it to be the kiss of true love.
I don’t think I am one of those who can erase a flashback or a memory but I for certainly can close the chapter. Some may think that holding on makes us stronger, but sometimes it’s letting go, accepting what it is for the greater good. Letting go can hurt so much. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out. It feels so alone, I can’t explain.
I wish I could for once know his side, whether it was real or something he got over. Maybe he loved me. He loved me, but he doesn’t love me anymore, it’s natural to fall out of love and it’s not the end of the world. Or maybe he still loves me and good-bye would close all doors, better to have a little hope than none. I don’t know how he feels and maybe now I never will so I shall bid a farewell to the one who meant the world to me, the one who taught me little things and made me who I am today. To him, who I always will somewhere respect and love… Thank you.
I guess uncertainty is as inevitable as death, it’s a part of life we need to accept and live with. The thing is today, I have accepted that it is time, it teaches us things…breaks us but also puts us together and that we need time to work on ourselves , until we finally are the best version of ourselves.
As for love,it can happen more than once and the right one only comes with right time.