Tonight I wonder why the moon did not come out, it never occurred to me that I am going to miss it this much. It used to fill my hollows with a sliver light, my mind with hope. I had neither now, did I trick myself into love? I wondered .
I feel so low, so down. I can feel my soul in pain, my body and the numbness of the brain. I feel lost. The flashes of the past, the memories, the trust, the love… everything keeps coming back time to time. I think, I might have accepted it is over and i need to move on but i never validated the feelings and emotions of the past. They stay buried inside and keep showing up now and then. I think, I might be denying the love and trust that was shattered the most except my heart.
What hurts more than feeling broken by someone you love and trust? Their ignorance towards it.It slowly breaks you, makes you doubt yourself over and over again. It takes you back to the day where your trust deepened so such so that you trusted the person with your life. You know what the worst part is? When a person you love breaks you… you lose trust not in the person but love and yourself. It is nearly impossible to trust someone else again, it is scary to. That is why maybe, sometimes I feel so lonely. I have developed a fear about abandonment and space, they give me anxiety sometimes. It’s like people telling you they will be there forever and just leave.
The process of accepting the fear and loss of faith in love and trust and getting over it is painful . It’s like quitting coffee,to be able to trust someone again. To open up to someone about your past, fears, thoughts , feelings… you realise that no one really cares.
The person came, did what they had to and leave. But, what did you do? you sat in those doubts, pain, sunken love, and made yourself lonely. You told yourself all of that was true, all that was love, all that will pass and they will come back. Then you waited, sinking each day. Losing hope, failing on love and all the pieces of your broken heart yearned for them. You made yourself miserable because you believed in them, and love. cried the nights, passed the days blaming yourself and trying to pull yourself out of this.
I know, I gave in my all but when I look back it hurts .. So I have decided to move on. Move on not just from the relationship but from the past, the hurt, the memories, the broken heart, the trust, the underlying pain, the fears , the space, the abandonment and the closure. Move on from the old me, to the new me. It is time consuming, soul consuming but I deserve to give myself a new start.. a place where the sun will rise again and I will smile again. I shall bury the pain and live the love again. For after all these years I have known, I am made for love, to give it.