“The reason it is not how you wanted it to be, the reason they get away, the reason it didn’t happen is not always because of a person but mostly circumstance and time ” I tell myself and take in a deep breath.
It has been bothering me for a while, hanging on top of my head like a knife ticking away like time. I saw the mirror was so rusty and unclear. It wasn’t the mirror, it merely reflects the real picture, and hence I realized I had become rusty with love and carried the weight of a broken heart. It was a choice, like he made to leave … I made to stay. I stayed in a place so long, living on that little hope of light in the darkness. Each passing moment, the hope would be dying and darkness would cover my inside. Making my chest feel like its sinking, I wanted to scream for help but the process was so exhausting that I didn’t have the energy to,
When the light finally got in, things slowly became less painful and the darkness faded away like those painful moments. Washing the sadness away, light increased day by day.
Then, he came along after all this while and tried to validate it all. Is it so simple? Is it so easy? To come back after years and say I still remember you and think of you? Really would i believe so? I just wanted to thank him now, for letting me experience this. I had realized it was long gone … the feeling of wanting to be with him, he didn’t hurt me anymore, neither did the past.
I wish I had known this before, the light that saved me was my light and the darkness that drowned me was also mine. Sigh. Yes, we mourn the lost love… It is painful in the beginning but time doesn’t only heal it … our choices do. The little things I had kept inside me, fermented and had become so big… I thought with passing time I would forget but it came back to me as nightmares. So, the light didn’t find me but it was in me all along… I found it once I let go of all the feelings that created blockages. No matter how little they were, they took a lot out and now things are clearer.
It was simple, it was like nature….nothing is a straight line. It has ups and downs and lefts and rights but each has a lesson confined between the lines. Or sometimes it is like when a star has to be born, the whole nebula collapses… It seems like a destruction at first but actually is rebirth.
The pain is long gone, the past is long gone… Now there is a new moment, a new stage and a new me… Just like the new little star.