To be honest, When I close my eyes and look back, I did not see myself here. I had all my plans, a set list that after I joined my undergraduate program I will make happen. I had all these plans……and the universe thought otherwise.
I think that the world puts so much focus on preparation. We are pushed so hard to be the best and sometimes we don’t know what to push for because we’re just not sure who we want to be. Is it not alright for once to try out things and see if you like it? Why do we have know right away Why do you have to be “perfect”? why so much focus on “be the right, do the right”?
Can I not for once fall, and pick myself up again? why is it so wrong to fall and rise? Why do I have to be so careful all the time?
Yes, I have always loved order and preparation, it helped making sense of the world around me. Writing things down, charting study plans, lists etc. give me peace of mind! Having a plan was the best way for me to look forward, there was a lesser risk than not having any. When I knew what I wanted, how to get it, and where to go, I could perhaps step forward with confidence. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, time and time again, is that God’s plan won’t always align with my plan, what the world wants for me might not always be the same as what I want for me, and sometimes the best-laid plans fall terribly short.
I was happy, things seemed to be going well, but then life happened to me. Suddenly everything was all over the place. I was standing in the middle of a field feeling anxious, destroyed, and a million of other mixed emotions. I had a pool of emotions and a pool of questions!
Did I plan this? Did I anticipate this? IS this even happening? I didn’t know what to do. I can’t organize anything, it starting making me feel like I am losing control. But, I was losing myself. It is a horrible place when you lose control over things, when “life” finally happens to you and you haven’t foreseen it, you feel weak in your stomach. Sometimes you might have even foreseen it and try to make yourself immune to it… but guess what human mind is too narrow to anticipate things coming their way.
We spend so much time getting ready for this future, stressing over what hasn’t happened, and setting plans for what’s next that we forget to live. We forget to celebrate how far we’ve come. We forget that life isn’t always going to unfold how we want it to and maybe that’s the most beautiful part.
I always thought my life would be ‘perfect’.
But that wasn’t true. And none of those scenarios worked out. Honestly, the best moments, and the moments I’ve grown the most haven’t been the ones I’ve prepared for. I poured the entirety of my soul into a relationship only to discover he wasn’t truly the one. I got my heart broken, only to find myself in the healing process. The person I thought I would not click with, is actually my best friend today. None of these moments were on the map; I hadn’t anticipated them coming. And yet I became the person I am today because of them. Life made its own plans for me—to fall, to break, to be confused, to lose people I loved, to face death, to question myself and my beliefs, to move across the country, to do the job I hated, to start completely over. And sure, I fought like hell against all that. Sure, I thought my world was completely crumbling apart a whole bunch of times.
But in those unknowns, I rebuilt.
In all those unplanned moments that I discovered myself. I have spent so much of my life trying to figure everything out (I still do this!) but the greatest lesson I’ve learned, and am still learning, is that I cannot control anything that happens to me. But I can control how I grow from it. Strength is not determined by your circumstances, but by what you do with them. When you realize that it is out of your control, however, you have the opportunity to take your power back and use the same to build a better version of you.
PM – who once said to me– “ The steps that you take don’t have to be big, they just have to be in the direction where your heart guides you. You the answers deep inside you, in no time they be in front of you. Keeping moving and be patient.”
This one if for you PM !!
SD – who made me realise , we can battle life once when have learnt to not let our thoughts affect us.
MT– for being her, in good and bad.